With just 24 hours to go before I find myself seated at the Las Vegas Team Challenge III tournament in Birmingham, I feel I should start preparing myself for the big day.
Whether poker can be considered a sport is debatable, but it’s fair to say I won’t be partaking in any of the special preparations that are required of most athletes.
No stretching, no muscle relaxation and certainly no waking up at the crack of dawn to go for a jog after a morning breakfast of two raw eggs. Bleurgh.
Instead, I must come up with a preparation plan for the unique problems any poker player faces when entering a live tournament.
Boredom
Poker is boring. There, I said it. Sitting in one place, folding hand after hand, waiting for something decent can be outrageously dull. More so when you’re playing live and you can’t have multiple online tables open to keep you occupied.
The first day of this tournament is approximately 9 hours of play, with a few breaks. That’s a lot of pots where I won’t be involved. Preventing boredom is one of the key skills of getting better at poker. The more bored you become, the more likely you are to play poor cards at the wrong time just to get some action.
Even professional poker players like Phil Laak can get bored.
Legitimate response: Use the time to study other players when you’re not in the hand. Who’s raising a lot? Who can be bullied out of hands? Every piece of information you gather helps you to build a picture of the quality of the players around you.
My probable response: Drink beer. It’s almost impossible to be bored while drunk.
Cramp/Stiffness
As I’ve outlined above, poker involves a lot of sitting around doing nothing. This can leave even the most flexible of people feeling like they’ve been held captive in a contortionist’s practice box for the day.
This isn’t helped by traditional poker table layouts, which usually crams nine or ten people onto the same table – meaning you are never more than a chronic smoker’s breath away from your opponents. Grim.
Legitimate response: Stretch your legs between hands. Go for a quick walk, check on how your friends are doing or stay by your table if you’re not keen on missing any of the action.
My probable response: Stretch my legs … by walking to the bar.
Body odour
Whether it’s the general lack of a female presence, the extraordinary lengths of time they spend at the table or that they’ve simply spent all of their money on poker rather than toiletries is anyone’s guess – but the fact remains: Poker players stink.
This isn’t the smell of someone who has forgotten to put on deodorant that day. A forgivable, if unpleasant, oversight. This is the overriding stench of built-up dirt and sweat from years, possibly decades, of habitual non-washing.
Imagine a rotting cow carcass, left in the hot sun all day before being gently marinated in the bin juice scavenged from a greasy spoon. That’s the smell of your average poker player. A smell so dense it is difficult to tell whether it’s actually a smell at all, arguably it’s more of a taste in the back of your throat.
Legitimate response: Ignore it. As disgusting as it is, it’s not against the rules to be a smelly beggar. Try to stay down-wind of the worst offenders.
My probable response: Drink more. When the smell becomes unbearable, create an air pocket with my hands and breathe steadily out through the mouth and in through the nose. The sweet aroma of malty hops beats body odour any day of the week.
Annoying drunk guys
Ahem. Okay, obviously the ‘drunk annoying guy’ is usually me. Almost always, in fact. But at the risk of sounding hypocritical, it is really irritating when you have a loud, obnoxious pisshead at the table.
In my defence, I’m a pretty quiet drunk when playing poker, which is not always the case with some of the weekend crowd spotted in some casino poker tournaments.
Harassing the dealer, berating other players and getting irate when their awful play sees them lose a hand, they can disrupt the natural flow of the game. The most annoying are the lucky ones who pick up chips by mindlessly bumbling through hands and hitting miracles on the river.
Legitimate response: Take advantage. These players are normally pretty terrible. Even the adept ones will have impaired judgement. Use this opportunity to collect their chips before they spew them to someone else.
My probable response: Keep one step ahead of their drinking. Drunk people are only annoying when you’re not drunk. It’s almost too simple a solution …
When in Rome ...
Conclusion
Only time will tell what approach I take in the Las Vegas Team Challenge tomorrow: Intelligent, focused and strategic or moronic, drunken and degenerate.
In all seriousness though, I will be playing to win and the top prize of a trip to Las Vegas with a huge chunk of spending money to play in the World Series is a good enough incentive for me to be at my best.
I will be posting tweets throughout the day to keep the blog updated with my progress. These should show up in the right-hand side toolbar or can be viewed at my poker Twitter page.
I’ll also do a full review of the weekend on Monday, with pics, videos and maybe some interviews.
checking the nuts 